behold the glory of neofeminism!

7:21pm: wow...it's been a while...

so. What now?

K, life so far, I'm closing on my house this Thursday (yay!) I'm down to a size 18 now, Jewell is in a new daycare, and I'm still working at Clayton. Oh, yeah. I'm still single. *grouse*

Anyone wanna help me move this weekend? I'll feed you!

Hmm...What else? I've been too damn tired to update.

Later kids!

8:50pm: the worst feeling in the world is lying awake in your bed, realizing that your life is crumbling apart. It's insane, how something so simple could bring that sweeping expanse of emotion back. I'm listening to music here, because it's what I do. I think of my life in terms of my music. One song can bring back a scent, a room, a person, an emotion. I listened to this song and I could feel the intensity of that emotion of crashing, losing, ending. I suppose this is something of a jumbled reference to my failed marriage. I've been talking to a friend at work who's going through a divorce. It's making me think of mine, something I've attempted to refrain from doing.

A divorce has two hard parts. Realizing there's a need for it, and letting go. The first one is difficult because you don't want to give up. It's a seesaw. For a while, you focus on the good and it outweighs the bad. But then the bad starts to outweigh the good. Finally you get to a point where the good isn't worth the bad. You realize you're miserable and making excuses. So you find a point where you lie awake and feel like the world is falling apart, away from you. You're not really sure what you should do, you're not really prepared for what you know you need to do, and you're afraid.

As for the second part, you move beyond all of the filing, the fighting, the harshness, the easiest part of the divorce, because your taking all of the pent up anger out on the other person. Now you have to learn to live without them. You may only have been married for a short time, but you've adapted to them. You've taken them as part of yourself. It's hard not to fall back into the old patterns for a while. You're used to loving them, used to fighting with them, and for the most part, you really won't get over all of it. After all, you were one person for a while. Love is a hard thing to forget. You want to dive back in. Again, you're afraid. Maybe you move on, maybe you don't. If you don't, you might find yourself missing that part of your life, forgetting how awful it was. You no longer trust that person anymore. You may love them some, but you can't live with them. You're no longer one person with them anymore. To go back to them is just a wish, a fear of moving beyond alone. Being alone. But then you learn to cut that string. Life never sits still, after all.

So to turn the subject completely around, I got my nose pierced.

6:40pm: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I HAVE JUST GOTTEN ASKED TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT THE KNOXVILLE SMOKIES BASEBALL GAME!!!!!!!

4:50pm: I love suicide girls....

The Suicide Girl 71% Sexy-Cute, 29% Dark-Light, 20% Artsy-Stylish

Cute, Dark, and Artsy, it's the Suicide Girl. A cousin of the Goth Girl, she's a little more on the cute side than the sexy side. Her interesting hair and impish smile make a certain kind of person wonder how her unique outfits would look lying crumpled beside the bed. By the way, if you don't get this category name, you don't know your Palahniuk... or your internet porn. If you liked my test, Please rate it highly! Thanks! Also, make sure to check out my Beautiful Faces Test if you haven't already. See All The Categories Sexy Dark Artsy The Goth Girl Sexy Dark Not Artsy or Stylish The Brooding Poet Sexy Dark Stylish The Mistress Sexy Not Dark or Light Artsy The Hippie Chick Sexy Not Dark or Light Not Artsy or Stylish The Hot Friend Sexy Not Dark or Light Stylish The Sorority Girl Sexy Light Artsy The Actress Sexy Light Not Artsy or Stylish Your Friend's Sister Sexy Light Stylish The Prom Queen Cute Dark Artsy The Suicide Girl Cute Dark Not Artsy or Stylish The Bad Girl Cute Dark Stylish The Bettie Page Girl Cute Not Dark or Light Artsy The Art Student Cute Not Dark or Light Not Artsy or Stylish The Girl Next Door Cute Not Dark or Light Stylish The Debutante Cute Light Artsy The New Age chick Cute Light Not Artsy or Stylish The Favorite Friend Cute Light Stylish The Cheerleader

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 89% on Sexy-Cute You scored higher than 5% on Dark-Light You scored higher than 2% on Artsy-Stylish

Link: The Your Type of Girl Test written by dgc20e on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

10:19am: It's been snowing for the past few days now. It's lovely to see it coming down. It's quiet, peaceful, calming. Just watching the snow fall in a cemetary. Watching the world calm into silence and sleep.

Happy snowfall.

6:49pm: goddammit, i didn't wanna be a cornflower...

Cornflower You scored 39% exotic, 38% fragile, and 57% complex!

My reading of your spiritual petals says you're tenacious and down-to-earth. Traditional flower symbolism, however, says that Cornflower stands for delicacy and refinement. Now you might have to get a third opinion. Your opposite is the Bauhinia. (Yes, I wouldn't know what that looks like either, so I'll help you: it's an exotic tree with large bright pink flowers.)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 52% on exotic You scored higher than 62% on fragile You scored higher than 22% on complex

Link: The What Flower Are You? Test written by gnomee666 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

11:45pm: I got asked out tonight... It took me completely by surprise. The guy came into the store promoting a concert for a local band that used to be called Lotus (but now they're something I can't remember right now) at Blue Cat's. I wanna go, but I have to find a babysitter for Wednesday night. In any case, he hands me and Kristen his card and tells us to call if we want to go. I'm thinking he's a nice, cool guy. He comes back into the store and tells me to call him...even if I don't want to go. I'm floored. So I called him on the way home. He's cool, intelligent, nice, and outgoing. His name is Mathew. I'll update on this later.

But...wow.

I got asked out!

6:21pm: oh yeah...and I think I might start up the old Warcraft account again. Now that I can slow off on the second job. And I miss Kandali. She was almost lvl 40. So close to getting mail and a mount! This has been a pointless update. I hope you all feel dumber for having read it!

6:03pm: So I went for my drug test today. I couldn't believe they sent me this early. I was expecting mid-Feb at least. But no, today, the head of HR called me into a second interview and sent me for a drug screen. It was fucking awesome. Just like having an enormous weight lifted off of me. I now have a secure job. I now have to work my ass off, to show them I'm not going to slack off since they gave me the job. Yay for good developments!

8:59pm: So...got the DNA test back. Nick is definitely her dad. As if I didn't already know that. Moving on. Life goes onward, doesn't it? I don't like ruts. Fortunately, my life never has been in one. Oh, except for the two years I was married. I was very bored.

So, news from work. I have another interview on Monday! Hopefully they will hire me this time. Cross your fingers and pray to whatever deity you worship for me.

I am working on new ritual robes right now. The material is gorgeous. I just have to keep from ruining it.

Now I go to Chattanooga for the weekend. G'bye!

7:58pm: woot!!

Your Social Dysfunction: Happy You're a happy person - you have a good amount of self-esteem, and are socially healthy. While this isn't a social dysfunction per se, you're definitely not normal. Consider yourself lucky: you walk that fine line between 'normal' and being outright narcissistic. You're rare - which is something else to be happy about.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

11:48am: mm....pad thai...

I worked last night and I work today. My house is still a post-move wreck. And I haven't got a dishwasher or disposal. Amanda, move to Knoxville please! I'll feed you.

Some big mouth blabbed to the guy I like at work that I like him. I could cheerfully strangle whoever decided that was a good idea. One thing I have learned is that you don't tell anyone at work anything. Ever. Because ten to one they will send a memo and set up a meeting to discuss whatever happened. Gah.

I am upset and depressed because I'm tired and there's Valentine's day crap up above my desk. It's fucking January!!!! Maybe I'll just decide to get a head start on St. Paddy's and drink steadily until I cease feeling. The only problem with that is you do start feeling the next day...the goal is to be so drunk you don't feel it when you hit your head on the toilet. I love St. Patrick's day. It's a holiday purely made for drinking and having fun until you and everyone around you is so slobbering drunk you can't tell the color green from anything else so you just start pinching until you fall down in the street laughing with your best friends.

Wow. That was one hell of a tangent.

I've stopped making sense. I think I need more days off.

And Juju's dna test is tomorrow. Just thought I'd share that.

12:00pm: I've moved...again...third time this year. I also found out that Clayton has decided they're not going to hire me. Even though I worked so damn hard and have better numbers than the people they hired on up front. I'm angry about that. Very very angry. Back to the job search for me. Fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck. I'm tired, pissed, and stressed. I want to stay in the bathtub all day. I think that I will make spinach and artichoke dip instead.

Just so you know, apparently the decision not to hire me was completely on the part of human resources. My supervisors were totally shocked and very upset. So blame HR. I do.

9:51am: I hate moving.

And the fact that I'm scheduled to today and tomorrow too.

6:48pm: Merry Chrismahannukwanzaka!!
Soo...hair is black now.

I love messing with my hair color. Keeps my officemates on their toes.

5:47pm: i am drained. Emotionally, physically, and financially. I'm moving next week to a new apartment. It's a duplex, actually. Rent is reasonable and there's a yard and a garage. So there's that.

And then there's Nick. Wanting to be a father after three friggen years. He came over to see her on Friday. When he left, I burst into tears. I'm not even sure why, but I think it may have something to do with all of the latent emotions I've been ignoring for the better part of four years. In any case, I just don't know what the hell to do, other than let things follow their course. I'm confused, tired, scared, and excited all at the same time.

Today is Jewell's birthday. My little Solstice baby. Gah. Time for laundry.

6:52pm: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

he did not just ask for a paternity test. Goddamn it. Motherfucker. Ratbastard. I'm going to throttle something. It's one week before her birthday, and Nick wants a fucking paternity test. I'm going to kill something, if not him.

He also wants visitation. I'm sorry, but three years after walking out on the pregnant mother of your child, you don't get to say, "Hey, sorry about all of that, but now that I've done everything I wanted, I think I might be ready to be a dad!"

I want to scream. I want to kill.

I'm trying to be calm and give him a chance, but I just want to throw everything he's done into his face. I can't get over the anger even though I try.

I'm trying to do what's best for Jewell. Why now? Why?

God. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted.

I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do anymore. Bedtime.

5:55pm: My daughter peepees in the potty!

Boy, I hope none of you read this after Unkunvinst's post.

I am sooo tired. Closed last night and opened this morning. My feet ache and I'm apparently allergic to angora, seemingly as my eye was practically swollen shut earlier.

Oh! And my wrist is broken! Dammit, I picked the wrong time of year to quit smoking. But I've made it since Wednesday without, so I'm doing pretty well.

Anton left. For good this time, I think. Blah. So Kristen and I are gonna go on the prowl Tuesday. Can you say drinky-drinky?

Knew you could.

8:51pm: I AM DIVORCED!!!!!

Partayyy!!!!

Now I have to quit smoking.

Fuck.

6:58pm:
Harry Potter
You crave your own knight in shining armour: the
guy who will swoop in and save you, and manage
to be a sweet lover and good dad all at the
same time. You are the girl he's fighting for!


Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)
brought to you by Quizilla



Um...little young for me...

11:31pm: So...umm...my hair is now violently red. Which is ok, cause if it was green, I'd have to change it. Yay for colorblind bosses!

2:25pm: Juju and I just put up our Christmas tree! I know we're early, but I don't really care, the friggen thing is up.

10:16am: Yeah, I'm still here. Still hired, which is good, cause someone else got fired yesterday. Which brings the original 15 down to five... In any case, I am going to see Harry Potter with a friend tonight. This is going to make my week. The only thing that could top it is actually getting my divorce papers in the mail. But that is another story...

I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore. Like i mentally crash when I'm not at work. I'm not sure what to do about it, really. But today I'm wearing my Batman shirt, so it's gonna be a good day regardless.

6:24pm: 9 days!! (and you all thought i had forgotten)
So...work...and um...work and stuff. Yeah. Feeling better, though. Which is nice. I'm supposed to cook something for our potluck tomorrow, but I'm really lazy and seriously considering bringing a can of baked beans. Ah well. So far so good!

A is still in Minnesota. No comment.

11:14am: I like Isis and Demeter...

Isis Indeed, you are 83% erudite, 95% sensual, 58% martial, and 54% saturnine.

This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres. Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion. She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon. Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”. The Fifteen Goddesses These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in … …all or none of the four variables: Neit. … Erudite: Minerva. … Sensual: Aphrodite. … Martial: Artemis. … Saturnine: Persephone. … Erudite & Sensual: Isis. … Erudite & Martial: Sekhmet. … Erudite & Saturnine: Nemesis. … Sensual & Martial: Hera. … Sensual & Saturnine: Bast. … Martial & Saturnine: Ilamatecuhtli. … Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Maeve. … Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Freya. … Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Sedna. … Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Macha.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 74% on erudite You scored higher than 96% on sensual You scored higher than 63% on martial You scored higher than 41% on saturnine

Link: The Mythological Goddess Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test